Exhaustion

Rack me off ramsay I'm so exhausted. Last night got hardly any sleep and woke up with a massive ear ache. It seems to be getting worse too. At least tomorrow I will be getting waxed. But I have to get up at 6am and be out the door for 7:30 so that I can go to the market before work to get my fruit and veges. I've come home from work and had a nice hot soak in the bath. Gosh it felt good. I like to make sure I'm pristene clean for the waxing tomorrow. I'm so close to falling asleep

No more buddy....

I just got the draw for next seasons games and the way it is stacking up is that I have now lost my quality shag buddy. I was using this person as a security blanket so that I wouldn't have to find a boyfriend. (heaven forbid I actually start living my life!) But now I'm a little sad. Now I don't have him any more and it's lame. It's not the kind where I would bother travelling to his city because it's not really that type of thing, but out of all the shags I've had this year and let's be honest, I've had a lot (I think I only blog about the bad ones or the only good one ha ha) and I feel my body has been treated like an amusement park this year. Which is why I ho no mo'. But on the whole, it is a sad day for me. :(

Good Vibes

Well, I think the worst is over. All the brooding that I did must have worked wonders. I am now feeling a whole lot better. On Tuesday I really started to improve. I'm one smiley girl now. While I'm still rather exhausted from getting over the mental stress of it all and the eating things, I am a lot happier within myself and actually more confident than I was before. I'm also ensuring I stand up for myself a little more than I used to and it is working wonders I think. While it's only been 2 days, I hope this is won't be an up down rollercoaster ride with me up one day down the next.

Though I want to have a massive rant about Apple Macs. While I have an iMAC, I've had it for about 1.5 years and it's already out of date. While I am used to this due to my job, I hate the fact that every year they are bringing out something just as good and they are not really upgradeable. I thinking of getting a new laptop next - whether I do or not will be another decision - I'm hoping work will provide me with one. But at least if I get a windows one, I can upgrade it fairly easily and will do me about 3 years. Whereas if I got a macbook, it's a lot of money down the drain - while it's nicer and easier to use, I think I'll wait and see what work may give me first.

Email to a friend

Here is the best way to describe what is happening to me at the moment (taken from an e-mail I sent a friend)

But anyways, I don't mean to shock you but things aren't going to well for me at the moment. Over the past 2 months I haven't been too stable mentally, there has been a lot of ups and downs and this past weekend was simply horrible for me. I have had eating issues since I was 16. But now I've started vomiting all the time. I eat I puke. It has made me depressed and I have withdrawn somewhat. No energy and the dark circles under my eyes are worse. I find myself going out and getting absolutely drunk and having some really weird "relations" with people. It's like I don't really care about me at the moment. I used to have morales and would not have relations with married men and this one that I turned down earlier in the year, I told him nothing would ever happen but then on Thursday I totally came on to him and did the business. I've had a lot of mental abuse from men over the past 3 years and it's worn me down a little bit. there was one a couple of months ago, talking about how one of his friends thought I was Ok and the other didn't on a train, a loud conversation and I haven't been asked out on a date for years so I'm convinced men don't find me attractive. I also dislike my job and most of the people I work with. I almost feel numb inside and if I was the type of person who would commit suicide, I would be dead already. I am so critical about myself, but when you have people constantly being rude to you, you tend to believe what they say. I went to a medium in the weekend which I ideally went there for pointers about my job and what I should do. Instead he told me about my weight and drinking issues, my issues with my teeth (thank god i got those fixed today 1 less issue to stress about) but then discussed about the physical and mental abuse that I have received and that he is aware I've been put through the mill and back and while I have normally managed to fight it, I don't know if it's the fact that I don't really have any friends here to discuss shit with or even be happy with. Most of the people I do know try to turn things into competitions and I'm not really friends with them. Anyway, a few times a day I wish I was dead, but I'm far too lazy to do anything about it. Seeing this medium actually made me realise how bad my life is and it has put me in a bigger state of depression. While I am not vomiting now, I am not eating either. I'm so anxious I can't eat. When I went to the dentist this morning, I wore a cap because I couldn't handle anyone looking at me. I feel like a mess. Even though I don't think my body / weight issues need to be fixed, I know the depression that comes with it does so I will wait a couple of weeks until my next injection to see how it goes. I just need to snap out of it but can't.

Help - Need new career

After a scorcher of a busy Saturday, I'm trying to figure out what my new career should be. It is no secret I currently hate my present career and while I've known for the last 3 years that it sucks and my personality doesn't suit the industry, I've just been muddling along. Well, the time has come for me to decide or try things of what I should be doing so that I won't be in this position in a years time. The things that I would like to do are mostly creative so here are some things that I enjoying doing and would like to make a career out of:
- Sewing. I wouldn't go as far (just yet) to say my own clothing label, but in my dreams dresses come to me and I just want to go out and make them. Downsides - I cannot draw that well so how anyone apart from myself would be able to understand my designs - I maybe would need to do a course in fashion drawing!!
- Writing. One of my life's missions is to write a book. I would prefer non fiction - but if the chance arises that's it's fiction, that's OK with me too. (In fact in typing this I have just come up with some great ideas for a fiction book).
- Childrens entertainer - I've always thought I would be good at doing something similar to the wiggles.
- Comedian - I reckon I could be a great comedian.
- Cooking - I love cooking, I love making pastries, I would love to have my own cafe.
- Skin Care Range - I love skin care, so perhaps a skin care range or perfume would be good.

It was recently suggested to me that I should be a teacher or a librarian. Whilst I love books, I also love to have fun and interaction. Not to mention the fact that I am quite outgoing. I am unsure whether being a Librarian would drive me insane.

Injuries whilst in the throws of action

I was injured last night whilst having relations. One minute we were on the bed, the next minute we were not. My body landing half between the floor and his body. I am very very sore and I was in shock because the injury was unexpected and I also hit my head pretty hard and one side of my body bruised. When going to work this morning, my body was shaking, my brain unable to process much. I was shaking for a few hours. I went to the doctor because I even vomited from it - I was in such a state it was horrible. To make matters worse, I had to leave work because I shat my pants. The worse part is that I didn't even realise I shat my pants. I just happen to go to the toilet, look down at my knickers and there was shit there. I had to go home. It was all very horrible and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Ill Ill Ill

Gosh, I am so ill at the moment I have just thrown up my dinner. What is wrong with me I wonder.

unhappy chappy

I just can't seem to keep myself happy these past 2 weeks. Maybe I just need to sit in corner and smoke some crack? I know what it's about and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the funk I'm currently in. I love not being at work. It's a work thing. You know how you just have periods where you just don't like working - I'm there right now and every day seems like a drain to me. I even considered getting another job but due to the economic crisis at the moment, it's not a good idea. I guess that's why I'm so unhappy because I hate not knowing things. I have no direction. I don't know when the markets will pick up again so I can get a new job. This information I simply do not know. So therefore, it is making me unhappy because I wanted a new job before xmas so I could enjoy the new year. Instead I just have to like it and lump it. I need more moneys people, money money moneys. Especially as I now have a few dentist bills. ARGH.

Lovin – 20 Things

I’m in such a joyous mood at present, I thought I would sit down and give you a list of 20 things that I’m loving at the moment. In no particular order:

1. Ugly Betty Season 3. While my favourite seems to change from Hilda, Amanda and Betty. I simply just love this show. While I was crushed (maybe a bit overboard) dismayed, that Betty didn’t choose Gio, her first episode back was hilarity. I am about to watch episode 3 …
2. Dirty Sexy Money. Explosive. The first episode of the 2nd season was an absolute winner and I can’t wait to watch episode 2.
3. Jason Statham. Seriously, if there was ever a man created for the sole purpose of me, this would be my ideal man…. For me, he even rivals Johnny Depp. I would have to think of that seriously for a few days to see if in my mind he would top Johnny depp off the no 1 spot.
4. James Franco. Simply Devine. I even thought that his small appearance in knocked up was great.
5. Nicole Ritchie. Don’t ya just love her. In my best hillbilly accent – “she’s so pretty”. But I’m not seeing enough pictures of her in the glossies. Where are ya luv?
6. Bone Thugs – Notorious thugs and Tha Crossroads, sure these are old tunes but I have to listen to them every morning just to see if I can try to keep up with the lyrical masters. Sometimes I find it works, sometimes I’m simply not quick enough.
7. MOS – Ministry of sound. At the moment I’m revisiting the Ministry Anthems 91-08 (love it), Annual 08 MOS, Summer Portugal sessions, I just love MOS and I also love Hed Kandi but MOS is hitting it more for me at the moment than Hed.
8. Summertime – Will Smith. Gosh I love this song when the sun is shining and it’s a true summers day with no wind. It brings back a lot of good memories for me and I love the line in that song “And as I think back makes me wonder how The smell from a grill could spark up nostalgia”
9. Ice Cube Trays – My 3 new fandagled ice cube trays make my drinks look a treat! I have a +, an arrow and stars. They just seem to give the drink that little bit extra!
10. GHD Intensive Hair Treatment. I tried it and while I didn’t absolutely fall in love with it on the first application (I’ve got another 7 weeks to go) my hair this morning does not feel like hay. It’s always the day after that’s the worry! I think on further weekly applications it will transform my hair from slightly drab to ab fab.
11. La Clinica – Green Tea range. It’s true, I am a dermalogica devotee, but I’m loving the La Clinica Green Tea Facial Scrub and the Green Tea Purifying Mask. I’m still touching my face from that application of both 2 days ago!!
12. Gisele – Her g2b shoe collection is much better than her first collection. The latest range is a lot more comfortable than her first. I did buy a pair of her latest shoe range, even though the first ones that I got gave me massive blisters, I got a different style this time. They are so comfortable.
13. QVS Hair bands. Cheap and simple. Nice hair bands don’t loose shape very often.
14. Lady Jayne Super Hold hair clips. I didn’t think that I would find any hair clips in Aus that would actually hold hair but these super hold hair grips do. Seems they make them differently over here that don’t really hold the hair that well so instead of getting 100-200 hair clips for only a couple of dollars like I would in NZ, I have to pay about 6$ for a case of these in 3 different sizes. They are good but maybe just a little costly!
15. Smashbox – Lip Emulsion. This ties in with 16 as well. I use this every day to exfoliate my lips and it’s a great price if you purchase it off the internet as they have no outlet in Australia.
16. Bliss – Superbalm. I follow up my lip exfoliation with Bliss Superbalm. Very soothing sticks on to your lips very well.
17. Clinique – City Block 40spf. I use 40spf on my face every day, even in winter. City Block also blocks UVA and UVB which is helpful when I’m at work.
18. Body Shop – Brow and Lash Gel. I’ve used this for the last maybe 8 years…. I don’t recall if it’s been out that long and the formula seemed to change after l’oreal purchased the Body Shop, but I’m still using it though truth be told, it’s a little pricey. I use this every day for my brows and my lashes.
19. Thesuperficial.com. I read this website at least twice a week. I would be very bored sometimes without it, especially at work!!
20. Facebook. I know I have bouts where I hate facebook, but now I just love it and have to check it every single day even on weekends.

Womanizer

I've just had the unfortunate pleasure of watching Ms Spear's latest video womanizer. The video itself is OK and it's great to see her back in shape and away from the crazy but it has to be said that the song is just utter crap. If you have time, check it out. I'd like to know what you all think about it.

good days

Today is going to be a little ripper I'm thinking. Last night I got my face prepared for my dinner party with a la clinica green tea facial scrub followed up with the Green tea purfiying mask both of which are devine. I was tempted to follow up with my dermalogica multi vitamin power masque, but I thought slow down there - don't go overboard. I've been up nearly an hour now. I've done a few household chores, I have a GHD intensive hair masque on my head, I'm having breakfast all then to be followed up by shopping - getting the last few ingredients for my dinner party. I need to then make the base for my blueberry cheesecake, make my onion dip, do the rest of the household chores. Sometimes I repeat myself a lot because I don't re-read my blog but I have all my xmas stuff for the house which is just crazy. OMG I wonder if the tree in Swanston Street is up yet. Anyhow, the sun is shining it's going to be a beautiful day. My house is going to be quite cool in summer. The only way I can get it to 20 degrees inside, is by opening all the windows (at the right time as sometimes there is a cool breeze coming from the back) and yesterday it was great. Otherwise, it can be an awesome day outside and in the house it gets really cold so you start to freeze, which I believe to be criminal on hot days. It's supposed to get to 26 degrees today and if i run down and take a look at my weather station, it's 12.4 out and 16.2 inside. This is the first time I've used this intensive GHD hair masque, I hope it rules.

Bid Day Out

I just got my ticket for the BDO!!! Yay. It costs 144.50 including a booking fee and postage, which I think is a bit rip off because so far, the only band I want to see are the ting tings. I'm waiting to see who will perform in the dance tents. I gave up a trip to NZ for this because I haven't been able to afford to go for years and every year I want to go and now that my NZ trip is cancelled, I am now going to the BDO. Yes, I am going by myself, but with so many people there I don't think it will be too bad.

Gargh

I've been vomiting all day and even my anti nausea medication didn't kick in for a while so I had to get another injection to stop the vomiting. It has wiped me out though and I've been sleeping on and off for the past few hours. I for some reason today though have been extremely horny. Like I'm absolutely gagging for it. Then I receive a few messages from a buddy over the other side of the city. There is nothing going on between us, maybe just flirtation, stupid text messages that kind of thing. I never told him that once I thought of him whilst having sex with an ugly guy and I was a little drunk so it was quite easy to transport myself into thinking that he was actually there. I had to hold my mouth though because I was sure I would say his name. Now it's the 3rd time I might have to listen to that song by Mousse T - Horny!!! Gosh, if I had a close buddy, I'd be like hey i absolutely need some. You know once I was addicted to sex and I fear that I'm going down that path again. I hope not because you don't enjoy it as much when you have to do it so many times a day, I guess that's a good reason why I don't have a boyfriend.

Savings.. What Savings?

Daylight savings has really screwed me around. It normally does every year but this year I'm taking it pretty badly. My dark circles under the eyes surely does account for that. It has made me irritable and generally unhappy. I would also like to say that the guy Friday night, just kinda of amazes me really. I had so much to drink- I wasn't in the best situation. What kind of a guy tries to pick up on a chick who is clearly SO gone? I don't think I want much to do with him in all honesty. I did my first poo today after the horrible sex session. Normally, I'm on a high after such things, but this just isn't a good sign. I also wonder if the guy who almost split me apart in early september if I did do some marjuana and that's why I was on a high for a week. I wish I had that feeling instead of grumpiness. Oh and can I say that after seeing that movie a couple of months ago, Pineapple Express, it has made me wish I was high on a daily basis. I wish I was high right now in fact!

Anyone seen my shoes?

Doh is all I can say. I went out Friday night and left my shoes in a taxi. I don't even know what taxi company it was but you can't get hold of them so I've had to email them instead. I really liked those shoes. Looks like I'll never get them back. But I picked up a new "buddy". I went to a place with my boss and he bought us cocktails all night and i'd already drunk 3/4 bottle of red wine. At least I didn't throw up so that's good. I'm still bloody tired though. The guy I took home looked like Curious George. I am not sure if I want to do it again with him or not because at times he was pretty violent you could say. So I am feeling a bit numb today. Daylight savings went off without a hitch. I really want to go to the movies to see Duchess. Kiera Knightley rules.

Mutton

Sometimes I have a really good day and then I see what I have at work and it all turns to custard.  I actually wanted to say something a bit harsher than that but I will try not to be potty mouthed today.  Today is my waxing appointment which I now have saved money on by doing by half leg at home.  And also the fact that I was forced to shave between waxings so that was highly unfair.  If it was cheap enough I would get them IPL'd but that is like 330 a session – while I know it saves money in the long run, I simply cannot afford it but will look into getting it done next year hopefully. I guess I could swap IPL for a holiday.  I don't understand either why half leg is like 330 and XXXX hollywood brazilian is also the same price when there is a lot more surface area on a leg.  Speaking of every day stuff, there is this girl that I barely tolerate.  She is near 35 I think, frumpy (I actually think of her as fat) and borderline ugly. She wears a tonne of make up every day and it doesn't do any thing for her because I always see her as mutton dressed up as lamb.  I was horrified one day when she had the same top as me but in all honesty, on me it would look like a different top because she is so wide I definitely wear it better. Plus that for me is a casual top and I wouldn't dare wear it to work.  Yesterday, she layered and I just thought it made her titties and her stomach look one and the same.  She also doesn't like anyone who doesn't hold a degree and that is me.  She went to an all girls school which made me finally realise why she is so bitchy.  But it makes me laugh because she thinks ever so highly of herself, which I guess is great for her self esteem, but she is still single and I can't imagine a guy going after a frumpy unattractive lady. I would even go so far as to say she is desperately single.  Yesterday there was a man in the office and she was show boating for like 2 hours. She was so loud I was muttering oh just shut up and put my ipod on.  Thankfully today there is no one here to show boat for so it will be a quiet one.

More on hair

Well, I don't think I'm absolutely stoked with the latest $295 hair colour (and yes it didn't even include a cut) so this weekend I'm trawling my suburb for a hair dresser that is a lot cheaper than that. There is the one down the road but she really is pants. Even though she's half the price of my current hair dresser, but I'm sure there will be a good one at my local shopping centre. I've already done my research about it so I will look further this weekend. But it really racks me off how times have changed. I wish I could go back to 2001-2002 when I didn't need to blow dry my hair as it looked great, I could just let it dry in the sun and my hair would look good but now due to society's current body obsession, I feel that it must be straight at all times and I hate that so tonight I have done a hair mask followed by some BioSilk Silk therapy in the hopes to repair this some more. It is extremely horrible at the moment. As soon as the wind comes along it looks like hay and also is very week. The kerastase has helped but I'm not willing to pay 60$ for a hair treatment. I typically use DeLorenzo Equilibrium. Which I have found to be very good, but now I'm wondering as I've used this mask for the past 3 years, my hair needs a change. I might get some kerastase vials just to kick start it, but they are like $57 which I find quite pricing for 5 treatments. I guess it's cheaper than a salon. I was even considering Pantene for a moment there. I wonder if GHD have a product for my hair situation? Well, indeed they do so I might go down the GHD route and just leave kerastase. Yes, I think I'll go for GHD. At least that was one easy decision.